All parents have dreams for their children. Visions of what we hope they will aspire to and accomplish in their lives. Some parents want their child to follow in their footsteps; maybe take over the family business. Some hope their child will fulfill the parent’s own unrealized dreams. What happens, though, when the child’s dreams don’t mesh with the parent’s dreams for the child? Say, for instance, that you are a doctor or a lawyer and your hope for your child is that he will also be a doctor or lawyer, but the child is drawn to artistic endeavors. Or if the parent was once an aspiring model or actor, but gave up the dream for some reason and now hopes the child will complete that dream, but the child is interested in science or math and hopes to become a scientist or an accountant. How we handle these situations can make or break the spirit of the child.
What parents must realize is that the child is his own distinctive individual with his own hopes and dreams and ideas of what he wants for his life. His hopes and dreams need to not only be valued and respected, but supported. We should not interfere with their aspirations, nor should we attempt to steer the child in the direction we would like to see him take. Not giving value to his aspirations can, at the very least, can cause friction in your relationship and at its worst can actually cause a fractured relationship and a shattered sense of self for the child.
A child’s self esteem and sense of self-worth begins with their interpretation of what the parent thinks and feels about him. It is not enough for us to put a roof over his head and food on the table. We must give unconditional love and support. That is not to say that we must agree with everything the child does or says, nor do I imply that there should not be discipline. A child needs discipline and order as much as they need emotional support. In fact, discipline is as much a part of showing love and support as giving hugs and praise. Discipline will be addressed in another article; for now we will focus on emotional support.
As an example of how damaging lack of parental emotional support can be, I will share a story with you about a man I know very well. He is now 50 years old and still fighting old demons that stem from his childhood. We will call him Nick. Nick was adopted when he was only a few days old. He was not told this until he was 16 and acting out. His adoptive parents thought that meeting his biological mother would help him deal with the emotional problems he was having. To explain these problems, let’s go back to his childhood. Nick was an extremely artistic; he was an artist, was musically inclined, and a free spirit. His adoptive parents were quite the opposite. The father was an attorney; the mother a legal secretary. Both were extremely regimented people who had a particular way of doing things and anyone living in their home must adhere to these strict regiments. The adoptive parents loved their two adopted sons, of that there is no doubt. They provided a nice home and any and all material possessions that the boys ever imagined. The younger brother, Denny, was able to tow the line and abide by the strict rules set in place by the parents. Nick, however, was an artist, musician, and someone who walked to the beat of a different drummer. The parents expected, demanded even, that the boys bring home excellent grades in school with the further expectation that they would attend an Ivy League school upon high school graduation. They were expected to become professionals, perhaps even follow in their father’s footsteps and become attorneys. At the very least, they would become doctors or captains of industry.
It was very clear early on that this was not in the cards for Nick. His dream was to become an artist and he loved playing music, neither of which was valued by his parents. He was told this was a stupid idea and that he would never make money as an artist or a musician. He didn’t care about making money; he just wanted to follow his heart. His parents would have no part of this idea and basically made him feel like a fool for wanting to pursue his dreams. They belittled this idea at every opportunity and tried to force him to do as they wished. When he was 12, Nick began smoking pot and drinking. At 15, he was arrested for stealing a baseball cap worth ten dollars, even though he had forty dollars in his pocket. His parents never seemed to understand that these acts of rebellion were Nick’s way of screaming to them that he was not the person they demanded he be; he was his own person. The problem was he could never seem to tell them this outright, fearing that he would be tossed out of the house, even the family. To make matters worse, it was at this time that they chose to tell him he was adopted; further increasing his fear that he would be abandoned by them.
Nick’s parents would accept nothing less than college for him and his brother so Nick joined the Navy immediately after graduating from high school. One might think that this would’ve helped him since this was at least something of which his parents could be proud. Indeed, it was not. This was another slap in the face as far as they were concerned. Another example of Nick not doing what they wanted which they equated to doing the wrong thing. For Nick, it was another slap in the face as well because yet another life choice that he made was not valued by his parents.
This became a vicious downward spiral for them and Nick continued to make increasingly bad decisions. I believe he did this because, in his mind, no decision or life choice that he ever made would be valued by his parents so it became a subconscious thumbing of his nose at them over and over. Unfortunately, these increasingly poor decisions not only affected his parents, they affected him in a hugely negative way. In the end, his five children would end up being negatively affected by his inability to move beyond these feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment. His fears caused a self-fulfilling prophecy in that he chose paths that caused him to feel inadequate and made it easy for others to look down on him. His fear of abandonment caused him to abandon everyone who loved him in an attempt to keep them from abandoning him first.
By the age of 28, Nick was using crack. He was in the midst of a divorce; yet another decision with which his parents did not agree or approve. While going through the divorce he began a relationship with another woman who got pregnant with his second child. Six months into her pregnancy he told her that he couldn’t get a divorce because his parents didn’t think it was the right thing to do because he and his wife had a child together. They did not know about the other woman’s pregnancy. He went back to his wife, leaving the other woman alone and pregnant.
Within two years that marriage was over and he was a full blown crack addict. Let’s be clear, it could have been any drug or any substance, he didn’t really stand much of a chance because the relationship he had with his parents was never resolved for him. While every emotionally battered person doesn’t end up a drug addict, they do indeed have issues that must be dealt with or they will surely manifest into some sort of negative behaviors or attitudes toward relationships.
Nick has struggled for the last 20 years of his life with drug abuse and has been in and out of rehab many times, but has never been able to gain the sense of self-worth and self-esteem that is so vital for a person to form relationships and create bonds in healthy ways. In these 20 years he has also fathered three more children but has not been a father figure for any of his five children. That is how the cycle continues.
Nick was never able to sit down with his parents and tell them how much he was hurting. They were never able to understand what they did to break his spirit and make him continually feel unworthy of love. I do not blame the parents because they just didn’t understand the effects of their actions and words.
That is the important part. Parents must engage in some self-reflection and ask themselves if it is more important to force a child to live out the parents’ dream of the child’s future or nurture the dreams that are the child’s. Parents who nurture the child’s dreams not only have a more confident and well-adjusted child, their child will be successful in whatever they attempt. Children who are raised in emotionally supportive homes will have more success in relationships as well because of a higher sense of self-worth. Children who are raised in emotionally unsupportive homes will no doubt live their lives going through a series of dysfunctional relationships and are more likely to repeat the patterns of their parents with their own children unless they enter therapy or are able in some other way to come to terms with the effects of their relationship to their parents.
How do parents give emotional support to their children? Praise them for their successes. Praise them for attempting to reach a goal, even if they aren’t successful. Tell them that you love them every day. Tell them that there is nothing they could ever do or say that would cause you to stop loving them. Tell them that you are in their corner on every issue. Spend time with them. Show them that they are the priority in your life. Support their endeavors even if they choose a path that you would never choose or didn’t want them to choose. Most of all, constantly tell them you love them and show them that you love them.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Personality Development: The Debate Over Nature Versus Nurture
The debate over nature versus nurture has spanned decades and spawned many research projects. Until recently, many researchers have polarized themselves on the issue, choosing only nature or only nurture as the key component in human development.
I, too, have leaned toward the belief that nurture could overcome anything that nature handed out. I still do, to a certain extent, but after careful consideration, research, and reflection on my own life and the lives of those I know, I am of the opinion that both nature and nurture are of paramount importance in our development. In fact, I believe the discussion should not actually be nature versus nurture, but nature in conjunction with nurture. As Rutter (2002) posits, “Although these are considered as supposedly separate influences, the truth is that they are closely intertwined (p.1).” In other words, instead of attempting to pinpoint one aspect as more significant than the other, we should look at how the two work together to enhance or impugn our development. The greater the understanding we have of this, the greater our ability to help those in our care.
As Miele (2004) explains, “we must distinguish between the transaction of genes with the environment, their interaction, and their correlation (p. 49).” To further clarify Miele cites Scott (1990) who asserts, “Genes transact with the environment, in the broadest sense, to organize nonliving material into living systems. Gene transaction is the essence of life. Interaction is a statistical term that describes how different genes have different effects in different environments.” One may garner from this that while we all have certain attributes, personality traits, etc. that are innate, these differing genes will cause one person to react to a particular environment in one way, while another person will react to the exact same environment in a totally different way.
Miele continues by describing what he considers to be more important, “gene-environment correlation, which takes place in three ways: passive gene-environment correlation which occurs because parents provide their children with both their genes and in most cases, their home environment; evocative gene-environment correlation, which refers to the fact that children do not simply soak up behavior, they squeeze it out.” This means that bad parenting may be a result of the child’s aggressive or defiant nature. In my opinion, the reverse could be true as well: the aggressive or defiant “nature” of a child, could be due to bad parenting. The third and most important aspect to understanding individual differences of gene-environment correlation according to Miele is active gene-environment correlation, which refers to the fact that we are “not merely passive creatures who swallow whatever is positively reinforced like a goose, feet nailed to the floor, gulping down forcemeat on its way to becoming pâté de foie gras. Rather we are very picky eaters at a cafeteria (pp.49-50).” Miele cites Rose (1995) who states, “We inherit dispositions, not destinies. Life outcomes are consequences of lifetimes of behavior choices. The choices are guided by our dispositional tendencies, and the tendencies find expression within environmental opportunities that we actively create (p.648).”
I couldn’t agree more! If these various correlations were not present then a person would never be able to overcome “bad genes” or “bad environment”, and we see time and time again how people do change – if they so choose. I know in my lifetime, I have learned to overcome certain inherent tendencies in order to become a happier and more fulfilled person. Of course, there is always the other side of the coin: a person who doesn’t seem to be able to learn other ways to cope with their environment or overcome genetics and therefore, is never able to change. It often takes a lifetime of introspection and the willingness to do things differently in order to overcome things that we sometimes seem hard-wired to do or feel, whether those things are caused by our genes or our environment.
References:
Miele, F. (2004). The revival of human nature ¹ the denial of human nurture. Skeptic; 11(2) pp. 44-53.
Rose, R. (1995). Genes and human behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 46, pp. 625-654.
Rutter, M. (2002). Nature, nurture, and development: From evangelism through science toward policy and practice. Child Development;73 (1), pp. 1-21.
I, too, have leaned toward the belief that nurture could overcome anything that nature handed out. I still do, to a certain extent, but after careful consideration, research, and reflection on my own life and the lives of those I know, I am of the opinion that both nature and nurture are of paramount importance in our development. In fact, I believe the discussion should not actually be nature versus nurture, but nature in conjunction with nurture. As Rutter (2002) posits, “Although these are considered as supposedly separate influences, the truth is that they are closely intertwined (p.1).” In other words, instead of attempting to pinpoint one aspect as more significant than the other, we should look at how the two work together to enhance or impugn our development. The greater the understanding we have of this, the greater our ability to help those in our care.
As Miele (2004) explains, “we must distinguish between the transaction of genes with the environment, their interaction, and their correlation (p. 49).” To further clarify Miele cites Scott (1990) who asserts, “Genes transact with the environment, in the broadest sense, to organize nonliving material into living systems. Gene transaction is the essence of life. Interaction is a statistical term that describes how different genes have different effects in different environments.” One may garner from this that while we all have certain attributes, personality traits, etc. that are innate, these differing genes will cause one person to react to a particular environment in one way, while another person will react to the exact same environment in a totally different way.
Miele continues by describing what he considers to be more important, “gene-environment correlation, which takes place in three ways: passive gene-environment correlation which occurs because parents provide their children with both their genes and in most cases, their home environment; evocative gene-environment correlation, which refers to the fact that children do not simply soak up behavior, they squeeze it out.” This means that bad parenting may be a result of the child’s aggressive or defiant nature. In my opinion, the reverse could be true as well: the aggressive or defiant “nature” of a child, could be due to bad parenting. The third and most important aspect to understanding individual differences of gene-environment correlation according to Miele is active gene-environment correlation, which refers to the fact that we are “not merely passive creatures who swallow whatever is positively reinforced like a goose, feet nailed to the floor, gulping down forcemeat on its way to becoming pâté de foie gras. Rather we are very picky eaters at a cafeteria (pp.49-50).” Miele cites Rose (1995) who states, “We inherit dispositions, not destinies. Life outcomes are consequences of lifetimes of behavior choices. The choices are guided by our dispositional tendencies, and the tendencies find expression within environmental opportunities that we actively create (p.648).”
I couldn’t agree more! If these various correlations were not present then a person would never be able to overcome “bad genes” or “bad environment”, and we see time and time again how people do change – if they so choose. I know in my lifetime, I have learned to overcome certain inherent tendencies in order to become a happier and more fulfilled person. Of course, there is always the other side of the coin: a person who doesn’t seem to be able to learn other ways to cope with their environment or overcome genetics and therefore, is never able to change. It often takes a lifetime of introspection and the willingness to do things differently in order to overcome things that we sometimes seem hard-wired to do or feel, whether those things are caused by our genes or our environment.
References:
Miele, F. (2004). The revival of human nature ¹ the denial of human nurture. Skeptic; 11(2) pp. 44-53.
Rose, R. (1995). Genes and human behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 46, pp. 625-654.
Rutter, M. (2002). Nature, nurture, and development: From evangelism through science toward policy and practice. Child Development;73 (1), pp. 1-21.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Faith in God as a Foundation for Life
Faith is the foundation upon which strength is built. Strength that is needed to face the problems we all face on a daily basis. If you are confused or worried, don't feel alone. Many of us are confused and distraught about our goals, our priorities, and most importantly, our faith. We get confused, stressed out, and overwhelmed, but this doesn't have to be a constant state of mind. If you have God in your life, I promise you that you will always have a strong shoulder to lean on and someone on your side that will not only help you through tough times, but actually carry you through.
You may think that I will now propose to you that you get up and go to church on Sunday and that every day from then on will be sunny and filled with joy and without trouble or strife. That is not what I am saying; not at all. While becoming a Christian typically means going to church, it doesn't have to. You most definitely should seek out a spiritual advisor, which is usually a pastor, but, again, it doesn't necessarily have to be. Your spiritual advisor should be someone you trust who knows the word of God and that is not always a person from a church. Sometimes churches and organized religion can actually turn people away from God.A good place to begin is to read the Bible. If you aren't sure where to start, just sit down with the Bible and ask God to lead you to the message He would have you hear today. I have done this many times when I felt lost and alone and as soon as I opened my Bible and began to read, there it was, exactly what I needed to hear. The Word of God, the Bible, will never turn you off from God. Studying God's word and receiving his love is the purest form of worship that there is. Growing in spirituality can only come from spending time with God. Just like any relationship must be nurtured and fed, your relationship with God must be nurtured and time must be given to it.
Don't worry if you have never prayed or been to church. Talk to God just as you would a dear and trusted friend. Assume that He is sitting in the room with you because the beauty of it is that He is in the room with you. He is always there if you allow Him to be.Once you have spent some time with the Lord, you will begin to feel His arms around you in a very real way. People today are always looking for that "something" to fill the void that we feel in our lives. I'm here to tell you that no material object, no person, no drug, no drink, no food, no habit will fill that void. I know because I've tried them all and the only thing I felt in the end was a greater void and a deeper sense of confusion and sadness. Only God's love and a conviction to living your life the way He would have you live your life can truly make you fulfilled and happy....peaceful even in times of turmoil. Again, I am not suggesting that finding God and living your life for Him will solve every problem or right every wrong. It won't. What it will do is help you deal with the issues and the trials that you go through in a different way. These things that we have to deal with, wrongs committed against us, financial problems, broken hearts are all just a little easier to get through when you know that God has got your back. He is there for you and He is listening to you...He will not forsake you. For your own sake, do not forsake Him. In the end, we will all stand before Him and be judged. The most important thing you can do for yourself and your family is to accept God into your life and let Him guide you. We are confused, but He has this world figured out already; after all, He created it. All He asks of us is to realize that He created us in His image and to accept the offer of forgiveness that He has supplied for us in His son Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
It is absolutely beautiful in its simplicity. God knew from the minute He created us that we would not be perfect. The good news for us is He does not expect perfection from us. He expects us to attempt to follow the rules that He has laid out, but He knows that we will fall short, sometimes very short. He simply asks for us to realize and accept in our hearts that He sent Jesus to this earth for this very reason, our imperfection. Jesus gave his blood so that we would have admission into Heaven and forgiveness of our shortcomings...our sins. Sins can be small or great in our eyes, but in the eyes of the Lord, they are all equal. Even better than that, they are all forgiven as soon as you confess to God and ask Him to forgive you. You will remember what you did, but God never thinks of it again. It is as if it never happened in the eyes of the Lord. It is completely uncomplicated.
Open your Bible. Take some time for the Lord and with the Lord. It will be time well spent. As previously stated, we will all face Him on Judgment Day and our biggest responsibility to Him and to ourselves is to get right with His plan for our lives. Don't do it because I said so, do it because it's what is best for you. Do it because it will make your life richer. Do it so that you can fill the void in your life that you are trying to fill with things that are borne in this world. Those things can leave you. God never will. He will be with you for an eternity, if you let Him. It is your choice.
You may think that I will now propose to you that you get up and go to church on Sunday and that every day from then on will be sunny and filled with joy and without trouble or strife. That is not what I am saying; not at all. While becoming a Christian typically means going to church, it doesn't have to. You most definitely should seek out a spiritual advisor, which is usually a pastor, but, again, it doesn't necessarily have to be. Your spiritual advisor should be someone you trust who knows the word of God and that is not always a person from a church. Sometimes churches and organized religion can actually turn people away from God.A good place to begin is to read the Bible. If you aren't sure where to start, just sit down with the Bible and ask God to lead you to the message He would have you hear today. I have done this many times when I felt lost and alone and as soon as I opened my Bible and began to read, there it was, exactly what I needed to hear. The Word of God, the Bible, will never turn you off from God. Studying God's word and receiving his love is the purest form of worship that there is. Growing in spirituality can only come from spending time with God. Just like any relationship must be nurtured and fed, your relationship with God must be nurtured and time must be given to it.
Don't worry if you have never prayed or been to church. Talk to God just as you would a dear and trusted friend. Assume that He is sitting in the room with you because the beauty of it is that He is in the room with you. He is always there if you allow Him to be.Once you have spent some time with the Lord, you will begin to feel His arms around you in a very real way. People today are always looking for that "something" to fill the void that we feel in our lives. I'm here to tell you that no material object, no person, no drug, no drink, no food, no habit will fill that void. I know because I've tried them all and the only thing I felt in the end was a greater void and a deeper sense of confusion and sadness. Only God's love and a conviction to living your life the way He would have you live your life can truly make you fulfilled and happy....peaceful even in times of turmoil. Again, I am not suggesting that finding God and living your life for Him will solve every problem or right every wrong. It won't. What it will do is help you deal with the issues and the trials that you go through in a different way. These things that we have to deal with, wrongs committed against us, financial problems, broken hearts are all just a little easier to get through when you know that God has got your back. He is there for you and He is listening to you...He will not forsake you. For your own sake, do not forsake Him. In the end, we will all stand before Him and be judged. The most important thing you can do for yourself and your family is to accept God into your life and let Him guide you. We are confused, but He has this world figured out already; after all, He created it. All He asks of us is to realize that He created us in His image and to accept the offer of forgiveness that He has supplied for us in His son Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
It is absolutely beautiful in its simplicity. God knew from the minute He created us that we would not be perfect. The good news for us is He does not expect perfection from us. He expects us to attempt to follow the rules that He has laid out, but He knows that we will fall short, sometimes very short. He simply asks for us to realize and accept in our hearts that He sent Jesus to this earth for this very reason, our imperfection. Jesus gave his blood so that we would have admission into Heaven and forgiveness of our shortcomings...our sins. Sins can be small or great in our eyes, but in the eyes of the Lord, they are all equal. Even better than that, they are all forgiven as soon as you confess to God and ask Him to forgive you. You will remember what you did, but God never thinks of it again. It is as if it never happened in the eyes of the Lord. It is completely uncomplicated.
Open your Bible. Take some time for the Lord and with the Lord. It will be time well spent. As previously stated, we will all face Him on Judgment Day and our biggest responsibility to Him and to ourselves is to get right with His plan for our lives. Don't do it because I said so, do it because it's what is best for you. Do it because it will make your life richer. Do it so that you can fill the void in your life that you are trying to fill with things that are borne in this world. Those things can leave you. God never will. He will be with you for an eternity, if you let Him. It is your choice.
Monday, October 27, 2008
They Call Us "Parent" For a Reason
Let’s be clear, it is not a bad thing to be a friend to your child. It is, however, a bad thing to be your child’s buddy or to consider your child your best friend. This is a dangerous dynamic to set up. If you are your child’s buddy or if you think of your child as your best friend, this indicates a lack of appropriate boundaries. Your child’s best friend or buddy should be a peer, not a parent. Don’t misunderstand; it is possible, even essential, for you to have a strong relationship with your child. The point is many parents today say, “My child is my best friend.” This is a very slippery slope down which many parents find themselves sliding; especially parents of teens.
When a parent considers a child as a best friend, this typically means that the parent is sharing adult issues and concerns with the child. This is not a good thing! No matter how mature your child is or seems, he is still a child (yes, even a teenager). It isn’t good for the child to be privy to the parent’s worries or concerns. To go even further, it is certainly not a good idea for a parent to party with their child or the child’s friends. This is not a boundary that should be crossed. How can you expect to be respected as a parental figure if you are the party parent? It simply can not happen. While it may feel good to you, it is extremely detrimental to your child’s sense of self. You must realize that if you are partying with your child and his friends, your child is actually losing respect for you. You can’t be partying with the child one minute and then laying down rules the next minute. It just doesn’t work and it is not what children need. They need boundaries, they need attention, love, support, nurturing, but they do not need you as their buddy.
It is possible to be a friend to your child, but you must still maintain parental boundaries. When I think of being my son’s friend, what I mean is that he can come to me with any problem or concern, just as he would a friend. He can tell me anything, just as he would a friend. What it does NOT mean is that there are no boundaries of behavior and attitude. It is not okay for him to speak to me in the same manner that he would speak to a friend.
There is a certain level of respect that children should show to their parents and to other adults, such as teachers, pastors, and neighbors that they will not learn if they are allowed to treat their parents as their peers. This respect is not something that happens automatically. It is taught by parents. It is taught through our interactions with and expectations of our children. It is also taught in a less intentional manner by our children’s observations of our interactions with others.
My advice to parents who feel the need to buddy up to their children or be the party parent is this: ask yourself what need of yours is being fulfilled by this type of relationship with your child? Are you lonely? If so, go out and make some friends of your own. Go to church, join clubs, take a class; find your own peers to be your friends. Are you trying to recapture your youth by hanging out with teenagers? If so, find other outlets for this that do not include your children. It is important to examine your motives for wanting this type of relationship with your child. Once you have pinpointed your motives and needs, find a more appropriate way to fulfill these needs…without including your child.
When a parent considers a child as a best friend, this typically means that the parent is sharing adult issues and concerns with the child. This is not a good thing! No matter how mature your child is or seems, he is still a child (yes, even a teenager). It isn’t good for the child to be privy to the parent’s worries or concerns. To go even further, it is certainly not a good idea for a parent to party with their child or the child’s friends. This is not a boundary that should be crossed. How can you expect to be respected as a parental figure if you are the party parent? It simply can not happen. While it may feel good to you, it is extremely detrimental to your child’s sense of self. You must realize that if you are partying with your child and his friends, your child is actually losing respect for you. You can’t be partying with the child one minute and then laying down rules the next minute. It just doesn’t work and it is not what children need. They need boundaries, they need attention, love, support, nurturing, but they do not need you as their buddy.
It is possible to be a friend to your child, but you must still maintain parental boundaries. When I think of being my son’s friend, what I mean is that he can come to me with any problem or concern, just as he would a friend. He can tell me anything, just as he would a friend. What it does NOT mean is that there are no boundaries of behavior and attitude. It is not okay for him to speak to me in the same manner that he would speak to a friend.
There is a certain level of respect that children should show to their parents and to other adults, such as teachers, pastors, and neighbors that they will not learn if they are allowed to treat their parents as their peers. This respect is not something that happens automatically. It is taught by parents. It is taught through our interactions with and expectations of our children. It is also taught in a less intentional manner by our children’s observations of our interactions with others.
My advice to parents who feel the need to buddy up to their children or be the party parent is this: ask yourself what need of yours is being fulfilled by this type of relationship with your child? Are you lonely? If so, go out and make some friends of your own. Go to church, join clubs, take a class; find your own peers to be your friends. Are you trying to recapture your youth by hanging out with teenagers? If so, find other outlets for this that do not include your children. It is important to examine your motives for wanting this type of relationship with your child. Once you have pinpointed your motives and needs, find a more appropriate way to fulfill these needs…without including your child.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Gimme, Gimme....Giving Children What They Really Need, Not Just What They Want
Many parents today are almost obsessive about giving their children any and every thing that they could ever want. As a parent (and a single parent at that) I know the feeling of wanting to give your child every thing in an effort to ease guilt. For single parents, it’s guilt that you feel for being the only parent. For all types of parents it’s guilt that you feel for spending more time at work than you should, guilt of knowing that the other parent isn’t carrying his or her weight, or guilt over just about anything. Sometimes it isn’t out of guilt that we lavish our children with every conceivable thing. Sometimes it is because we simply want our children to have the things that we never had. Sometimes it is because we are so insecure that we fear that if we do not give them everything they desire, they won’t love us. Whatever the reason, we are doing a disservice to our children by filling their lives with things rather than what they truly need….our love and attention.
Parents are always asking, “Why don’t my children appreciate everything that we’ve given them?” The very simple answer to this question is that when we give them every “thing” we are probably not giving them the one “thing” they truly need and desire….ourselves. Many times parents give their children the things that they (the parents) think the children want.
Recently, I observed a parent give her child an extravagant birthday party for his 10th birthday. Over and over during the party, Mom kept asking, “Are you happy?” or “Do you like it?”. The child was less than enthused about the various accoutrements that Mom paraded into the party. Mom could not understand it. She kept repeating, “I don’t get it, I would’ve LOVED to have this at my 10th birthday.” Obviously, she was missing the point. She was lavishing things on her son that he didn’t even care about because they were things she wanted, not him. Also, the very fact that she was over-giving to him caused him to be unappreciative of what he was getting.
The most important things that we can give our children are not things we can buy. The most important things we can give them are our love and support, our time and attention. If we begin giving our children love, support, time, and attention when they are young, they will be less likely to “want” for material things when they get older. The need for material things stems from an emotional void. If we address and feed those emotional needs from the earliest age, our children will be emotionally satisfied and less likely to seek gratification from material things. Just as cool is the fact that, as you fill your children with your love, you will be emotionally satisfied as well and you will be less needy of material gratification.
Parents are always asking, “Why don’t my children appreciate everything that we’ve given them?” The very simple answer to this question is that when we give them every “thing” we are probably not giving them the one “thing” they truly need and desire….ourselves. Many times parents give their children the things that they (the parents) think the children want.
Recently, I observed a parent give her child an extravagant birthday party for his 10th birthday. Over and over during the party, Mom kept asking, “Are you happy?” or “Do you like it?”. The child was less than enthused about the various accoutrements that Mom paraded into the party. Mom could not understand it. She kept repeating, “I don’t get it, I would’ve LOVED to have this at my 10th birthday.” Obviously, she was missing the point. She was lavishing things on her son that he didn’t even care about because they were things she wanted, not him. Also, the very fact that she was over-giving to him caused him to be unappreciative of what he was getting.
The most important things that we can give our children are not things we can buy. The most important things we can give them are our love and support, our time and attention. If we begin giving our children love, support, time, and attention when they are young, they will be less likely to “want” for material things when they get older. The need for material things stems from an emotional void. If we address and feed those emotional needs from the earliest age, our children will be emotionally satisfied and less likely to seek gratification from material things. Just as cool is the fact that, as you fill your children with your love, you will be emotionally satisfied as well and you will be less needy of material gratification.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Meaningful Discipline: You Are Sooo Grounded...Well, Sort Of
If you are a parent, especially of a teenager, you have no doubt said the words “You are sooooo grounded!” at some point (probably more than once). The problem I always had when I said this to my son was that, after a few days, I either began to feel sorry for him (probably remembering my own teenage misery when grounded) or, even worse, it became a hassle for me to maintain the diligence it takes to keep a child in punishment phase. Being a single mom didn’t help matters either. There’s the engrained guilt the single mom feels because of the fact that she is a single mom. That, coupled with the fact that there usually isn’t a built in support system at home so errands can’t be run or appointments kept when the child is grounded, because what will you do with him while you’re gone? Then there were the “special occasions” he would be missing during the disciplinary period; it is difficult to say no for a myriad of reasons.
Grounding a child requires constant supervision, especially with teenagers. The parent has to be sure that telephones (landlines and cells) are not talked on, TVs are not watched, computers are not surfed or chatted on, and video games are not played. Therefore, it is important for us to remember that it is more effective to ground the child for a shorter amount of time and stick to it, rather than saying the punishment is for a long time and not being able to follow through. We think we are doing something nice for our child when we relent on the punishment early, when in fact what we are doing is chipping away at the respect our child has for us. When I say, “You are grounded for a month!” and a week later a “special occasion” or an appointment I forgot I had comes along and I relent on the punishment I am basically telling my child that my word means nothing and that I don’t care enough about him to follow through with what I say and be diligent with something as important as teaching that actions have consequences. If I can’t follow through on the important things, why would my child believe that I could or would follow through on anything else?
Strategies for meaningful discipline:
1. The punishment should fit the crime – do not use a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline.
2. Wait until you are calm to ascribe the punishment.
3. Always ascribe disciplinary measures that you will be able to carry out.
4. Once you have handed down the discipline carry out the sentence no matter how inconvenient it is for you…or your child.
5. Explain to your child why they are being punished in very clear terms
6. Use the occasion as a teaching tool – now is the time to set expectations for the future.
7. Explain the consequences for future infractions.
8. Show your child the respect that you expect them to show you.
Grounding a child requires constant supervision, especially with teenagers. The parent has to be sure that telephones (landlines and cells) are not talked on, TVs are not watched, computers are not surfed or chatted on, and video games are not played. Therefore, it is important for us to remember that it is more effective to ground the child for a shorter amount of time and stick to it, rather than saying the punishment is for a long time and not being able to follow through. We think we are doing something nice for our child when we relent on the punishment early, when in fact what we are doing is chipping away at the respect our child has for us. When I say, “You are grounded for a month!” and a week later a “special occasion” or an appointment I forgot I had comes along and I relent on the punishment I am basically telling my child that my word means nothing and that I don’t care enough about him to follow through with what I say and be diligent with something as important as teaching that actions have consequences. If I can’t follow through on the important things, why would my child believe that I could or would follow through on anything else?
Strategies for meaningful discipline:
1. The punishment should fit the crime – do not use a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline.
2. Wait until you are calm to ascribe the punishment.
3. Always ascribe disciplinary measures that you will be able to carry out.
4. Once you have handed down the discipline carry out the sentence no matter how inconvenient it is for you…or your child.
5. Explain to your child why they are being punished in very clear terms
6. Use the occasion as a teaching tool – now is the time to set expectations for the future.
7. Explain the consequences for future infractions.
8. Show your child the respect that you expect them to show you.
To Date or Not To Date
Single parenting is extremely rewarding and fulfilling. It can also be lonely, overwhelming, and exhausting. There is not always a support system, emotional or financial, and it can wreak havoc on your social life. I dated when my son was very small, but soon found that this just wasn’t for me. When my son was five, I made the decision to no longer date (at all) until he was out of the house. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I am not suggesting that all single parents should maintain a celibate lifestyle while their children are growing up; that isn’t realistic for most people. What I will explain are the reasons for my decision.
In addition to being a single mom I was also a teacher (you might be surprised by the things your children are telling their teachers about your home life!). Children talk to their teachers about a myriad of things, most especially what’s going on at home. I can’t tell you the number of times over the years that students talked of how each sibling had different fathers, or how they themselves called several men “Dad” or women “Mom”, or told of sleepovers that their mothers or fathers had with “uncles” or “aunts” or “friends”. These children were often confused about just what role each of these adults played in their lives. Not only that, all too often the child became attached to the adult only to see the relationship with the parent come to an end. The child feels a sense of loss and sometimes abandonment each and every time this happens. You may quickly recover from the breakup, but your child may continue to suffer. Another thing that happens way too often is that just as the child begins to recover from the last breakup, a new significant other is brought into the picture. I used to call this “serial dating” and while it is tough enough for you to recover from these broken relationships over and over, it is more than tough for children. Feeling abandoned and broken-hearted over and over during the formative years does not bode well for healthy relationships for the child when s/he grows up.
Another reason that I chose not to date while my son was growing up was that I knew that if I were to get involved with a man and begin working on a relationship, the emotional energy I invested in that relationship was emotional energy I was taking away from my son. I’m not suggesting that all single parents have that issue, but I think it is an important question to ponder. I chose to focus all of my emotional energy toward nurturing my son; that is not necessarily the only choice for single parents.
I would suggest that, if you choose to date, you consider the following tips:
1. Do not introduce your child(ren) to your boy/girlfriend until you are sure you are in a serious, monogamous relationship.
2. When you are certain about the status of your relationship, talk to your child about the person before making the introduction.
3. Tell your child that you love him/her and that you will never allow anyone to replace or come before him/her in your life, and mean it!
4. Never allow your significant other (even a step-parent) to discipline your child. The key word here is “your”. You are the parent and you are responsible for all decisions made regarding your child.
5. Avoid sleepovers when your child is in the home. You, most likely, are not going to want your child to have sex as a teen therefore, you must set the example. If your child sees you sleeping with people, they will determine that this is the right thing to do; even if you tell them it is not okay. Children learn by watching us even more than by listening to us.
6. If your child tells you that your significant other has touched, spoken to, or interacted with him/her in any inappropriate fashion, do not pass go, do not collect $100 and, above all, do not allow that person access to your child ever again! Yes, I’m saying break up with him/her…immediately! Your child is not going to make that type of thing up. Take your child seriously! If the child claims inappropriate touching, go directly to the police and do not bother asking your significant other if it is true. Allow the police to determine the legitimacy of the claim. If you’re still not sure what to do, see Tip #3 above.
In addition to being a single mom I was also a teacher (you might be surprised by the things your children are telling their teachers about your home life!). Children talk to their teachers about a myriad of things, most especially what’s going on at home. I can’t tell you the number of times over the years that students talked of how each sibling had different fathers, or how they themselves called several men “Dad” or women “Mom”, or told of sleepovers that their mothers or fathers had with “uncles” or “aunts” or “friends”. These children were often confused about just what role each of these adults played in their lives. Not only that, all too often the child became attached to the adult only to see the relationship with the parent come to an end. The child feels a sense of loss and sometimes abandonment each and every time this happens. You may quickly recover from the breakup, but your child may continue to suffer. Another thing that happens way too often is that just as the child begins to recover from the last breakup, a new significant other is brought into the picture. I used to call this “serial dating” and while it is tough enough for you to recover from these broken relationships over and over, it is more than tough for children. Feeling abandoned and broken-hearted over and over during the formative years does not bode well for healthy relationships for the child when s/he grows up.
Another reason that I chose not to date while my son was growing up was that I knew that if I were to get involved with a man and begin working on a relationship, the emotional energy I invested in that relationship was emotional energy I was taking away from my son. I’m not suggesting that all single parents have that issue, but I think it is an important question to ponder. I chose to focus all of my emotional energy toward nurturing my son; that is not necessarily the only choice for single parents.
I would suggest that, if you choose to date, you consider the following tips:
1. Do not introduce your child(ren) to your boy/girlfriend until you are sure you are in a serious, monogamous relationship.
2. When you are certain about the status of your relationship, talk to your child about the person before making the introduction.
3. Tell your child that you love him/her and that you will never allow anyone to replace or come before him/her in your life, and mean it!
4. Never allow your significant other (even a step-parent) to discipline your child. The key word here is “your”. You are the parent and you are responsible for all decisions made regarding your child.
5. Avoid sleepovers when your child is in the home. You, most likely, are not going to want your child to have sex as a teen therefore, you must set the example. If your child sees you sleeping with people, they will determine that this is the right thing to do; even if you tell them it is not okay. Children learn by watching us even more than by listening to us.
6. If your child tells you that your significant other has touched, spoken to, or interacted with him/her in any inappropriate fashion, do not pass go, do not collect $100 and, above all, do not allow that person access to your child ever again! Yes, I’m saying break up with him/her…immediately! Your child is not going to make that type of thing up. Take your child seriously! If the child claims inappropriate touching, go directly to the police and do not bother asking your significant other if it is true. Allow the police to determine the legitimacy of the claim. If you’re still not sure what to do, see Tip #3 above.
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